Living With Severe Clinical Depression

This is a post I have wanted to write for quite some time now. Not for myself, but to try and give others more of an insight and understanding into what I live with every single day of my life. I have until now, had no idea where to start, and so have always put it off. Now just feels like the right time for me to share with everyone what, to some extent, I don't even fully understand  myself.

Now I am more aware of my mental state on a day to day basis, I can understand that I have had some form of depression or mental illness since I was a lot younger than I originally thought. For a while I believed my mental illness came about when I was 19 years old, and was reliving an awful time of my childhood that I didn't wish to bring back to the surface. Now I can easily recognise that I was unwell from the age of approximately 16.

I have come to believe that nobody will truly understand a mental illness such as depression unless they have some experience of it themselves. Nobody 'gets it' until 'they get it'. This is because even though my close family members have done everything to understand what I am going through, how can I begin to explain, when I don't even know why I feel like this myself? People say they understand, but things people may say or do, just confirm they don't have a clue.

I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression for the last 5 years now. I have periods of time where I feel I am above water, and manage to deal with life better, but I honestly feel most of the time I am drowning. I am NEVER okay. Which I know for many is more than difficult to understand. One of my friends has actually said to me 'you have a job and a nice car and are moving into your own place', 'you don't have any reason to be upset because you have a lot of good things in your life'. All of the above are materialistic things, and all things I have worked hard to get. Materialistic things ARE NOT what is important to me. I work hard to try and make my life the best it can be, but honestly, being well and alive is an achievement each day.

I first got extremely ill when I was 19. I was lucky enough to be working in a doctors surgery, so I had understanding people working around me. I was signed off work for 3 months. I know that if I had been employed somewhere else, I probably would have lost my job, or been replaced within a month or so.  This was one of the worst times of my life. I didn't want to be alive. I was put on anti-depressants which are used to lift your mood above the line of constant sadness. The problem is they take a little while to get into the system and start working to their full effect.

I self harmed. I didn't do it to relieve pain, contrary to many people's beliefs, I did it to have control. My emotions were out of control, and this is something I could control. It felt good, which again, I don't expect anyone to understand. I hid this for a while. My mum saw. I was taken back to the doctors, as she could see the seriousness of my mental health was worse than 'just feeling sad'. I had an assessment of my emotions and thoughts and was clear that I was severely depressed. My medication was increased.

All I wanted to do was sleep. It was like my body couldn't cope with the physicality of being alive, when my emotions were draining every bit of strength I had. Once asleep I was dead to the world. Nobody could wake me. This still happens on occasion. I lost all appetite and had zero interest in food. I wanted to die, so food was not important to me. I didn't even want to get washed or dressed. I had completely lost all interest in everything. I was watched closely by my mum and step-dad and they tried hard to make me positive.

Being on the maximum dose of the medication possible, I did see an improvement in my mood. Encouraged greatly by family members, I started to get back on track. I went back to the doctors every week so they could monitor my progress and soon felt well enough to try and go back to work for a few days a week.

The day before I returned I got my life saver. Without her, I promise I would not be here able to share this post with you today. My dog, my best friend, Flo. She is the only thing that gives me a slight bit of hope when I feel I have nothing left to live for. She is the only thing I want when I am at rock bottom. I look at her and just think, I couldn't leave you. Yes, she can be a pain in the arse, and a difficult dog at times, but I wouldn't change getting her for the world. She doesn't ask me questions when I don't want to talk. She doesn't judge me. She doesn't get angry with me. She doesn't need to understand me. She just loves me no matter what.

There are many things that will trigger bad spells and I have learned to recognised when I am going dramatically downhill and manage to catch it before I get really bad again. This unfortunately comes with experience.  5 years of living like this isn't easy, it is hell. Right now, I don't think I will ever be 'better'.

I've tried running away from everything. Just disappear. Nobody will even notice. I drove for miles and just sat in my car wishing there was an easy way out. Family were concerned. I didn't want to go back. Then my mum sent me this...

It crushed me. I realised how selfish I was being. Flo needed me and I needed her.

I have taken 20 of my tablets in desperation to feel better. Everyone can see how stupid that was, just like self harming. Most evenings driving home I think about driving my car into a tree. Then it could look like an accident and be less painful for my family to think I'd had an accident rather than killing myself.

I always distance myself from people. I like my own company. I'm quite happy living on my own. I don't feel the need to have loads of friends. I had a partner for 18 months, and I found this only made my mental state worse. I couldn't be sad without having reason. I couldn't be myself. I don't let people get close to me because nobody understands.

I don't really know how to end this post. I decided to write it, because at this moment in time, I don't want to be alive. I have come to my parents house for the weekend to try and feel more positive. I guess writing it out is making me see how far I have come...

The most worrying part of it all is many of my friends/family don't have a clue that I am unwell, unless I have chosen to share that with them. Depression is real. Real scary. It is not something that you can just snap out of.

Moving Out!!

Hey everyone!

 

I have a little life update for you today. If you have followed my blog from my very first post, you will know I set myself some goals that I wanted to have achieved by the end of the year.

 

One was to move out with my boyfriend. This unfortunately has failed as we are no longer together. However, I am doing it on my own!!

 

The biggest challenge was finding somewhere to rent that would accept pets. I am the proud owner of an American Bulldog Cross, and she is quite a large dog. As well as that giant hurdle, I also needed somewhere reasonably local due to work, and a place that wasn't really expensive, as I am going it alone! Hurdle jumped!

 

I have found myself a very cute little cottage, in an even cuter little village. It is slightly run down, but for the asking price, I am happy with it. I am also keen to get stuck in and make it perfect for me, so a little hard work to begin with is fine by me!

 

Now just to move in....

 

xx

Mod 1960's Inspired Outfit

Here is an outfit I put together for work a few weeks back. I love the mod 1960s look, which is where I got my inspirations for this outfit.

 

 

 

 

xx

 

 

 

Younique Moodstruck 3D Fibre Lashes Mascara

My New Favourite Mascara!

So if you have followed my blog for a little while now, you may have come across My Top 2 Mascaras post. I still stand by every opinion in that post, and will always love those two mascaras especially as drugstore ones! However, I have been trying something new, and absolutely love it!

I first heard of this new mascara through a Facebook post when I was scrolling through my news feed. I watched the video and was amazed at the results shown. I did a little bit of research on YouTube and on the internet, and could only find good feedback and videos!

So I took the plunge and bought it from Amazon for £14.40. In my opinion, money well spent. The idea is that you coat your lashes first with the transplanting gel, and then add the natural fibers, finally sealing them in with another coat of the gel.

You are instructed to apply a layer of your regular mascara as a base and then you can add as many layers of the moodstruck mascara as you wish. The more you add, the more volume and length you will get. I only apply two layers, as I feel this is plenty for me, but if going out, then there is always that option to plaster it on!

I have taken a few photos of myself at each step of the application, so you can clearly see the transformation.

 NO MASCARA

1 COAT OF RIMMEL LONDON LASH ACCELERATOR ENDLESS MASCARA

1 COAT OF 3D MASCARA ADDED ON MY RIGHT LASHES ONLY

2 COATS OF 3D MASCARA TO MY RIGHT LASHES ONLY

3D MASCARA APPLIED TO BOTH EYES

CLOSE UP

The first time  used the fibers, I ended up with quite a bloodshot and irritated eye. This hasn't happened again since! I applied quite a thick layer of the fibers, and managed to get a few in my eye, which then caused the irritation. I strongly advise to apply thin layers and lots of them to get your desired look, instead of clumping it all on in one go.

I will 100% be repurchasing this mascara again. I hate false lashes, and believe this is far better than them anyway! It gives the same effect, without the falling off half way through the day, uncomfortableness of wearing them, and difficulty of applying.

Here is the link to where I bought mine from...Go check it out!!

Amazon link

Let me know if you've tried it!!

xx

L'Oreal Truematch Mineral Foundation

If you have seen my previous post then you would have seen I have been enjoying using the L'Oreal Truematch Mineral foundation. However, I was not initially impressed by the product.

I had been interested in trying a mineral foundation for quite a while, as I can't find a liquid one that is perfect for my skin type. I have tried many different brands and types of liquid foundations, and even the best seem to get caking and patchy throughout the day. I found this quite disheartening, as some days I would just like my skin to look more even. Patchy is not a good look!

 

I started hunting around and did a bit of research. I saw Helen (melon) using the L'Oreal one in one of her Youtube videos, and decided it was worth a shot. I ordered myself the palest colour, as this is always my shade in Drugstore foundations.

 

For the first couple of days using it, I could see that the coverage was perfect for what I want, and it sat on my skin very nicely. A lot more flawless than any liquid foundation I had used previous. Then by the end of a weeks use, I started breaking out in tiny little spots on my forehead and around my nose especially. I could only put this down to the foundation, as I do not get small spots, only very large sore ones! The only product I had changed on my face was the mineral foundation. So I stopped using it.

 

I was watching some more beauty Youtube videos, when someone (I can't remember who) said they didn't use the brush that came with a particular product, as it broke them out! So I decided to give the foundation another shot, instead using my Real Techniques Expert Face Brush this time round. I have not looked back! No break outs at all!

 

This is 100% my favourite foundation I have ever tried, and perhaps one day I will try some more mineral foundations. I highly recommend it if you struggle to get away from that 'caky' look. The foundation is also buildable, so if you want something with a higher coverage, you can get that using this one too.

Here are a few photos of what the foundation looks like on my face after a full 12 hours wear at work.

 

Please excuse the state of my hair! I literally just walked in from work when I took these!

 

 

xx

 

 

Minimal Makeup - Enhance your natural beauty

So recently I have been trying to reduce the amount of make up I wear, and have been loving the minimal look! I will quite happily wander around town, up the street and go to work with a naked face, and not be bothered in the slightest. I am very comfortable with my totally natural look, which goes towards helping my laziness immensely! Ha! However, on those days where I want to look just that little bit flawless and bright eyed, this is what I have been doing.

 

Moisturising as normal I use the Simple Replenishing Rich Moisturiser. I let this soak into my skin before applying the Maybelline Instant Anti-Age Eraser Eye Concealer under my eyes and blend it in with my fingers. I will then use my L'Oreal True Match Mineral Foundation all over my face in a light layer, buffed in with my Real Techniques buffing brush. To make my eyes appear wider and brighter, I add a couple of layers of the Rimmel Lash Accelerator Mascara (my favourite). And to finish it off, I dab a little lip balm on my lips. The one I have been using recently is by The Body Shop; born lippy in Satsuma.

 

 

 

Super quick, and super flattering!

 

xx

Half Updo Bun Hair style

 

Recently I have been loving this half up hair style. It is super quick and easy to do, and it always gets compliments!

 

 

To add extra volume to the bun, I use a small sized hair donut. I feel this may not be necessary for everyone, however my hair is not the thickest, and this gives me a fuller look that I prefer.

 

You can make the bun as neat or as messy as you wish! Personally I opt for the slightly messier look by gently tugging at the bun to loosen it out, and add a texture spray to add messiness and volume to the lower section of hair that isn't tied up.

 

And it really is as simple as that!

 

xx

 

Old Nail Art Pictues

As my last post was about nails, it got me thinking! I used to sit for hours drawing cute little designs onto mine and family members nails, and I knew I had pictures somewhere....

 

So after searching through old Facebook pictures, I found a few designs I created. Please excuse some of the picture quality!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gelish Nails - My first experience

I feel pretty late to jump onto this bandwagon, but I got my nails done and wanted to share my experience.

I have always been a  huge fan of making my nails pretty, and used to spend hours designing pretty art work on them as well as painting them on a very regular basis. Recently, I am less enthusiastic, as due to the nature of my job, the varnish chips before the end of the working day, and my nails then look scruffy.

A new beauty salon has opened up just down the road from my work, so I decided to treat myself, and get some gel nails done. From what I understood, it lasts a few weeks at least, and gives your nails extra strength. I have always been impressed by other peoples nails that are done with the gel polish, so I thought what's not to lose?

 

I took a while considering what colour to go for, and ended up choosing a pretty bright pink. This is unusual for me as I am not a pink girl and normally opt for black or white. I wanted to have something spring/summery, and I believe the pink compliments my skin tone very nicely.

 

I also love anything with a bit of sparkle or glitter, so I chose to have a feature nail with added glitter gel polish too. I am extremely pleased with how they have turned out. The whole process took half an hour to be done, and they are completely set as soon as you are finished, so you are able to carry on about your life without having to avoid touching your nails for ages after!!

 

I have had them on only for 3 days, but they look as fresh as when they were first done. The salon only charge £20, which I think is pretty average if not more reasonable for gelish nails. I will see how long they last, and intend to get them re-done when they need it, so will update you then

 

xx

The Best Micellar Water For Sensitive Skin

Ever since I first heard of Micellar water I was intrigued and keen to try it. I love wearing make up but hate the removal process, so anything to make this easier and quicker, I'm willing to try! 

 

 

I have pretty sensitive skin, so this sometimes causes havoc when trying out new products. I started off with the L'Oreal Skin Perfection 3in1 Purify Micellar Solution. My first impression was very good, however after about a week and a half of use, I noticed my skin starting to become dry and irritated. This was especially bad on my eyelids as they felt all dry and flaky. I ceased to use the micellar solution, and gave my skin a break from makeup too to recover.

 

       

 

As I initially found the solution a joy to use, I wanted to try and different brand, hoping this was just a one off, and maybe slightly harsher than some other micellar waters. So I then picked up the Garnier Micellar Cleaning water. Again, after a few days, it had the same effect on my clearly very sensitive skin. So I had to stop using this one too.

 

By this point, I was pretty disheartened and I came to the conclusion that my skin just wasn't suited to these products.

 

      

 

It was only because I was browsing in Superdrug, that I decided to give Micellar water one last try. I came across the Simple range, and saw they too had their own version of the Micellar water. After all, they do boast to be 'sensitive skin experts', so I parted with my money for one last desperate shot at getting on with this easy use product and purchased the Simple Micellar Water. I have to say I am very glad I did. It is perfect for my sensitive skin. It hasn't made it dry or irritated or flaky. And it doesn't leave any residue on the skin or make it feel oily or greasy. It removes my makeup and leaves my face feeling fresh and clean. Unlike some other makeup removers, I don't even fell the need to rinse my face after I use it.

 

If you have sensitive skin, and like me, are quite lazy when it comes to cleansing your face or removing makeup, then I honestly can't recommend trying the Simple Micellar Water enough. It is extremely reasonably priced too, so what's not to love?!

 

CLICK HERE if you want to read more about it on Superdrug's website!

 

xx